The Mother in Law

When my brother-in-law's marriage ended in the mid '80s he moved back home with his parents for 6 months. And stayed there. He lived in the granny flat (an original granny flat - no running water or cooking facilities so used the ones in the house which he didn't have to clean or buy for) and paid a pittance in full board. He had his meals cooked for him, washing done and did nothing to contribute until later years when he retired and his parents started to become more and more frail. Then he would take them shopping and to medical appointments and the like BUT he got paid petrol money for that!

Anyway, this isn't going to turn into a rant about him much as I could. I harbour a lot of resentment there but that's another topic for another day.

Fast forward to 2018. He had been diagnosed with bowel cancer about 5 years earlier and when it was discovered it had already spread to his liver. He had surgery and was recommended chemotherapy but opted against it as he didn't like the sound of the side effects. I reminded him that the side effects of NOT having it could be worse but he buried his head in the sand and the inevitable happened. Early in 2018 he was told it was back and inoperable. He was still pretty much symptom free but the home front wasn't great. He hated his father (who was a bit of a bully especially towards my mother in law) and resented having to do things for him. Himself and I picked up the slack. I would take FIL to medical appointments and Himself took MIL (BIL had never actually gone to any appointments - just dropped them at the door and came back later to pick them up so had no idea what their issues were). MIL had a thorough assessment with a geriatrician and dementia was diagnosed in July 2018. She, of course, promptly forgot! FIL suffered from crippling gout and arthritis in his hands and was often hospitalised to get the pain under control. He would then go to rehab and would then discharge himself because he didn't like being told what to do. And because BIL was considered a responsible adult noone challenged him.

At the end of August BIL was admitted to hospital for the final time. Shortly after his death FIL was admitted to hospital with exacerbation of his pain. For the first time in her entire life MIL was at home by herself and it became very obvious that FIL, for all his bullying and bossiness, was the glue that was holding her together. We were told that he couldn't go home and to start looking for aged care facilities. MIL, still believing nothing was wrong with her, took some convincing but we found a place for both of them not far from us. Then it became obvious that FIL (who was 97) wasn't going anywhere. It was hell trying to explain to a mal-nourished, poorly medicated grieving woman with dementia what was going on. On the 8th October at 11.45 she was admitted to the ACF and at 12.45 we got the call to say FIL had died.

She has now been in the ACF for over 2 years. The care given is outstanding. The affection shown toward her by the staff is genuine. The meals are excellent and they are quick to address any issues which arise. Initially she was really unhappy being there and couldn't understand why she couldn't go home. Over the past couple of years she has become more accepting of her situation but is still not happy. We reassure her she is in the best place and she grudgingly accepts this.

Sadly, though, her dementia is progressing and becoming increasingly difficult to reason with. She does suffer from recurring urinary tract infections which cause her to become very confused with hallucinations but the care coordinator tells us that she has just finished a course of antibiotics and her urine isn't showing signs of infection which suggests that her current state of mind is down to the dementia. She thinks she is in someone's house with 30+ servants and that there is a fitness studio in it where everyone is obsessed with their genitalia. She is also wandering a lot (often looking for her husband who she is convinced is deliberately ignoring her) and consequently goes into other residents' rooms. This is a huge issue on many levels. When she was first admitted there was a woman who did exactly that - and would climb into MIL's bed and leave clothes in her room. I discussed it with the staff who fully understood my concerns and acknowledged that the woman had deteriorated quickly but the family refused to believe there was anything wrong with her and had her moved to another facility. 

We know that the chances are high that MIL will have to be moved into the "memory support unit" - a nice way of saying dementia unit. It's a locked unit for obvious reasons but they still get excellent care and the lifestyle people ensure appropriate activities are provided and they have their own little garden to sit in. 

I just don't know how MIL will cope not being able to wander around the building and gardens at her will. She hasn't shown much aggression at this stage but does occasionally have a flare of anger. And she is becoming very sexualised which is not uncommon with dementia - the old MIL would be mortified if she knew what she was talking about.

Yesterday she asked us to lend her 20cents so she could catch the tram home. Poor Himself is so miserable watching his mother becoming like this.

It's an awful, awful disease.

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This afternoon Himself got a call from the ACF telling us that MIL is getting increasingly confused - asking to be flown home to England among other things. It was a courtesy call but really hammered home how bad she is getting. She is still being her sweet self to staff and residents albeit very confused which is a blessing

. I forgot to mention earlier that she rang Himself at 2.00 this morning asking him to come and collect her and take her home. In my muddled sleepy state I had the presence of mind to tell him that his car had a flat tyre. That appeased her. And she forgot that I, too, have a car. Phew. Dodged that bullet. I hate lying to her but if it keeps her calm and reduces her agitation then that is the path we have to go down.

More house stuff

I do feel sorry for Himself. What should have been a simple job rehanging the doors into the front room has turned into a nightmare. I don't know why we're surprised! The previous owner was an engineer so one would assume keen on accuracy and finishing a job properly but we see no evidence of that. Measurements are off (we found some written on the wall behind a blind as well as on the doors that won't hang!), painting is sloppy and if it can't be seen it didn't get painted. I could go on. 

But, as I said previously, we do like the place and have become rather fond of it's idiosyncrasies. I just wish they didn't end up costing money. The driveway which is patterned paving (very popular in the 80s and 90s) had been painted prior to selling. Within days it had started to wear off and cracks keep appearing. It has obviously been fixed in the past but not well. Surprise surprise. 

This is taken from the listing when we bought the place. The driveway doesn't look like that anymore!

This is the rumpus room. All wood is now white, the bricks are plastered and painted grey. And the floor is timber. And we replaced the windows as well. I shall take a photo one day!

It's going to be hot today. We have had a couple of warm days so far this Spring but the next two or three are going to be stinkers. A good day to stay inside, turn the aircon on and potter.

A bit of a family update and random photos in no particular order.

 A lot has happened over the past 5 years. I have spent quite a bit of time over the past few days re-reading my blog (I wasn't joking when I said "look what I found"!)

As mentioned before I went into hiatus, One married Ebs in 2013. They are doing really well. Sadly they had a miscarriage in 2016 but went on to welcome Lily in 2017 and Ivy in 2019. Both gorgeous girls. On the downside, even though they only live in the next suburb it is outside our 5km boundary so Ivy is a bit unsure as to who we are. Hopefully we can rectify that now that we have the virus under control (shoooosh .... whisper that please)

Two married Mads in 2016. It was a fabulous wedding. The best I think I have ever been to. They have been living in NSW since moving there in 2014. He is still working for Qantas and she is working for Foxtel. They have Audrey who is 3 next week and Billie born last year. They have just bought their first house which is no mean feat in the current climate. I can't wait to be able to go up and see the house and the kids. Thank goodness for facetime and zoom.

Remember the girlfriend from hell that Three was going out with? Well, she is now a wonderful daughter in law!! They have Sally who was born in October 2016 and married in a lovely ceremony in December of that year. She had an ectopic pregnancy in the middle of stage 4 lockdown which resulted in emergency surgery - very traumatic for all concerned as she had to go through it alone - no visitors at all. 

Himself and Sally have an amazing relationship. It really was love at first sight for both of them. She adores her Grumpy and he is firmly wrapped around her little finger.

This was taken the day after she was born. My blokes with the first girl in our family. See the look on Grumpy's face?

I love this photo. It was taken when we only had 3 grandkids. The boys and girls wanted me to have a photo of my 3 granddaughters. They gave me a lovely photo based on one I have of the three of them as kidlets and this was the out-take. I think this is my favourite.

This is the photo it was based on. One, Three and Two and the grandkids are Lily, Sally and Audrey.

The photographers in the family said they had a new appreciation of those who specialise in kids pics.

Sally expressing her opinion of the world at 12 hours old.

I love this photo of Two and me at his wedding. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Yesterday I took Jinx for a long walk so Himself could work on building me a potting bench without her help! We walked through the local off lead park where she had a good run then up through more parkland, some bush and then turned for home. Except she'd had enough. And sat down. And refused to move. I had to pick her up and carry her until she decided walking was the better option! Down through more bush until we reached a playground with water and she had a good drink and .... sat down again! Again, I had to pick her up and manhandle her (think 13kgs of wriggly dog) until she agreed to walk. "Great" I thought. She will get home and collapse. She got home and went crazy! Ran round and round the backyard, in and out of her wading pool, chased the ball and generally acted like she hadn't had exercise for days. Then she finally collapsed and slept for hours.

This morning she decided that my toast (grains and seeds) isn't as nice as an english muffin so refused her second breakfast (for first breakfast she gets a bowl of puppy milk and usually a hard boiled egg but I'd run out of eggs). A frozen chicken neck sufficed. 
Himself is now up so I shall finish my cuppa, get showered and dressed and we can walk before it gets too hot. This time I will take my phone in case I need to be rescued!

Meet Jinx

 To add to the shit storm that has been 2020 we lost our beautiful Angus and Bonnie

We knew that Angus had been having issues with his hind legs for many years. We took him to the vet at the beginning of the year and were told he had 6 weeks to 3 months. We scoffed. 7 weeks later he had deteriorated so quickly he had sores on the tops of his hind paws where he was dragging them along the ground, was struggling to get up and was very unsteady when doing his 'business'. The sad day had arrived. Himself was devastated as Angus was his dog. 

At this stage I was just out of rehab for my knee replacement and was gingerly walking around the block with Bonnie as my trusty rehab companion. She had painful arthritis that we were treating her for and walking seemed to help. We hobbled together. Then we went into the first Covid lockdown. My anxiety skyrocketed and Bonnie and I would often go for quick walks just to get out of the house and I could talk to her without looking completely barmy - everyone talks to their dog, right? 

Mid-May and it looked as if we had beaten The Virus (oh how naïve we were). We could go for drives. We could see family again. And Bonnie and I continued our walks which were getting longer. 2 weeks later she got up in the morning as usual. An hour later Himself was calling me frantically. Bonnie had gone downstairs but hadn't returned. She had crawled under a bush and wouldn't come out. We took her to the vet. Scans showed tumours in her liver and spleen that had started to bleed. She was, in effect, bleeding out. The decision was no longer ours to make and we had her put to sleep. 

I was devastated as she was my dog and had helped me so much with rehab and anxiety management. Himself was reluctant to consider another dog so I went behind his back, found a breeder and paid a deposit. Sadly there weren't enough pups in that litter so I found another breeder who was expecting a litter the following week. 

By now we were in our second lockdown. Everything was different from the first. People were bitter and angry. Idiots were defying the rules claiming non-existent human rights (got to love the internet). Mental health became a huge issue across the board - and particularly in this house. And then we went to stage 4. No travel permitted outside 5km from your home. One person, per household, per day allowed out for one hour for essential shopping. One hour per person per day for exercise. No visitors to your house unless essential for care. Shit was getting real. And the breeder was an hour an a half away in rural Victoria. I rang the Covid hotline and was told I could go and pick her up as she had been born/purchased before stage 4. I had to take proof, fill my car up within the 5km of home, no ducking into McDonalds (she honestly said that!) and only one person in the car. So on 17th September when Jinx was 8 weeks old I went for my first drive in months. I had to pass through what has been referred to as the ring of steel around Melbourne. A massive checkpoint manned by police and army. Got through with no issues - the female police officer was as excited as I was about the puppy! Got to Morwell and met the breeders. Picked up Jinx and came home.

And our lives changed.

We've had sleepless nights, exuberant puppy nibbles, a disgruntled cat and wouldn't swap any of it (the cat might disagree). Unfortunately Sally, our eldest granddaughter who has just turned 4, is very wary of dogs and hasn't taken to Jinx but I'm sure as the puppiness settles things will improve. Lily (3) and Ivy (18 months) have dogs and are fine with her. Audrey (3) and Billie (14 months) live in NSW so haven't met her yet.

We take her for walks, we take her to the off lead dog park for socialisation and once restrictions are lifted we will take her to obedience school. Even Himself agrees I made the right decision. She is a beautiful looking dog, is highly intelligent and therefore trainable and we have come to realise that when she seems to be misbehaving she is actually trying to tell us something. She is a real joy.

Dipping my toes in the water

It feel good to be blogging again albeit this is only my second in 5 years! I have a morning routine - cuppa tea, read the headlines, check out a few blogs, checkout facebook, do a couple of puzzles then get on with my day. I think I can easily add an update here as part of that routine. We shall see.

Oooh - I can change colours. And size. And font.

And I can add stuff.

Now I just need to work out how to add photos from my phone. But that can be a job for another day.

When we bought this place back in 2017 it was beautifully presented. It only took a couple of days before we realised that it had been done up to sell. The couple that lived here before are lovely but the husband was not the handyman he thought he was! 

We did some fairly major renos (turned the ensuite and wardrobe into a decent ensuite and the fourth bedroom into a walkin wardrobe). Unfortunately that cost more than we thought and the building inspection which said the roof needed a $3,000 fix up was way off the mark and we ended up replacing said roof for a helluva lot more! But it improved the insulation which meant the house was more comfortable. We also installed a new split system to make the best room of the house (a rumpus room with a bar in it and a fabulous view) liveable. It hadn't been used for years because it would be unbearably hot in summer and freezing in winter. 

Now we have plastered the exposed brick and painted the timber cathedral ceiling (1980s anyone?) and replaced the ancient carpet with timber floors which match the rest of the house.

Within the first few months the dishwasher died, the range hood fan shat itself and the back of the wood heater sheared off. All more $$$.

You can understand why we have had a real love/hate relationship with this house. Especially as the house we moved from was new when we bought it so modern and airy, was close to the beach and had a lovely view. But it was a town house and our neighbours were close. Just before we moved a young family moved in next door with two small loud kids so I imagine the peace would be shattered. It was also body corporate which brings a whole lot of issues and lacked space for Himself to potter. This house is older, granted, but has a big block of land, a massive garage which Himself uses as his work area, is in a quiet leafy street and we are right on the outskirts of Melbourne close to the Mornington Peninsula and Gippsland. I am slowly learning to love it.

This is the entrance hall on the day we moved in. 

This is it now - 2020 decor!

The wood heater and my new hobby (crocheting not wine!). I'll talk about that another day.

What prompted that ramble was that Himself has gone to Bunnings to try to find a door kit so we can rehang the folding doors that the previous owners removed so we can make the house more dog proof. I have no idea why they moved them because the track was still there. As I said before, there is lot of stuff in this house that makes us shake our heads!

And on that note I shall go and continue working on a paint by numbers picture I'm doing for one of the grandkids. They will each get one for Christmas if I can get them done in time. This is another hobby I started in lockdown. It has helped keep me relatively sane (OK, it's stopped me going completely off the rails).

Well Well Well ... look what I've found!

 Helloooooo you poor neglected blog.

I need a lesson in how to drive this as it's been so long (5 YEARS!). I think facebook and the like have caused a drop in blogging but I still follow a favourite (waving to Chris) and recently rediscovered another oldie but a goodie. This, combined with the year from hell, has made me consider blogging again. 

So, what has happened in the last 5 years?

In no particular order (just as the memories jump into my head)

• all our kids are now married 
• we have 5 granddaughters
• we moved
• I found a job left it found another and left that one ... see next point
• In 2018 over the space of 5 weeks we lost Himself's brother, his uncle and his other brother's wife. His father went into hospital and was cared for for 3 weeks, his mother went into aged care and on the same day his father died. It was a shit time. I quit work to support Himself.
• His brother died from bowel cancer. He had declined chemotherapy because he didn't want to lose his hair. 
• Mother in Law has dementia and is now blind (the two are not related but certainly have an impact). The Aged Care Facility she is in is fantastic (far better than the one my parents were in) but with Covid our contact with her is minimal and even with daily phone calls she has deteriorated.
• We lost both our beautiful German Shepherds this year and our affectionate Ninja last year.
• The Stig is still around and very unimpressed with
• our new German Shepherd puppy "Jinx"
• I had a knee replacement in January this year
• Covid sucks big time. But not as much as the fucking idiots who spread it because they won't do the right thing. At least we are in Australia and whilst Victoria hit the panic button after 700+ daily cases and we went into lockdown we are now doing pretty well. I would hate to be in a country with case numbers in the thousands.
• I have started volunteering teaching English to migrants and refugees - and have been matched with a lovely woman from Armenia

Assuming I was blogging every day for the past 5 years what would I be talking about today?

Well, MIL had a melt down. The cruel thing with dementia is that she relives the loss of her husband and son over and over again. Sometimes we can distract and deflect but today was bad. The ACF (Aged Care Facility) allowed us special permission to go and visit her (see Covid) and I sat with her for an hour and a half and listened to her brain take her in too many places. I have learned that this is the best way to support her. Just follow her mind and engage with 

We took Jinx to a new off lead park where she met new dogs and had a great time.

I spoke with my aunt in FNQ who is struggling with life at the moment (she's 89 so is allowed to struggle!)

Himself cooked an awesome meal. As he does every night.

This all just makes me realise how much life has changed in 5 years.

And while it all sounds rather negative I am looking forward to blogging more. The issue I will have is posting photos!!!!

Update

A couple of weeks ago Himself got a phone call from the agency that placed him in the contract that didn't last.  He is now working for another financial institution and is loving it.  It's the happiest I've seen him at work in many a long year.  This contract is until the end of the year but there is a possibility of another one which will go until the middle of 2017.  Fingers crossed.

I have been dealing with an employment provider under my Centrelink newstart.  It is awful. Just horrible. I feel like I'm being punished for something.  I haven't worked for so long and the last time I did was in my nursing capacity which I can no longer do as I have let my registration go.  I keep trying to explain to the silly woman that I have no current job references and my skills are nursing based. She tells me I have "transferable skills" but can't tell me what they are or how to transfer them!

Because I have a bachelor degree I am ineligible for government retraining!  Now that Himself is working he suggested that we pay for me to retrain so I am going to do a course in pathology collection.  My nursing will help and it gets me back into a sort of clinical field.  Fingers crossed I find local part time work when the course is complete and I never ever ever have to deal with that terrible employment place again.  Even if I do have to go back onto newstart I will make sure I get a different provider.  That place is the pits.

We are still waiting for my parents' estates to be finally settled. The Australian side of things is pretty much done but we are now waiting for the Hong Kong side to get finalised.  We have given up on the UK.  It will be nice to close that chapter.  I am amazed at how much I miss my mother given that we didn't have the best of relationships.

Himself gave me a Samsung Gearfit for my birthday. (like a fitbit).  It is sort of helping me move more but I really do need to take myself in hand and address the weight and health things.  Two gets married in February and I would like to be a couple of dress sizes smaller by then.

We have someone coming to install drawers in the pantry this afternoon so I'd better go and clear things out.

Til later ....