Has it been that long?

I know I haven't been here for a while but I didn't realise it has been quite this long.

I have just not been in the right frame of mind to post. I didn't want this place to become an outpouring of miserable introspection.

Not that anything has really changed!!

I am finding the whole marriage by distance thing really hard to cope with for a variety of reasons.

One and LGF broke up a couple of weeks ago. They are still in touch daily and I wouldn't be surprised if they get back together but he is the one that broke off and he will be the one that decides to get back together but it will hopefully be on his terms. He was a bit stressed at first but seems OK now.

Two has been struggling with the steroids. He has started weaning off them and that creates a new set of problems. Then on Monday he had more orthodontic work done and his face is swollen and he is eating slops. He turns 21 tomorrow and we are going out to his favourite Chinese restaurant on Friday. I hope he can eat by then.

Three has withdrawn from TAFE. He has approached his employer for permanent work and something is in the offing.

My mother is mad. She has starting playing the manipulative games with my brothers and me but this time we know to check with each other. My poor father is getting more frail by the day and she is quite unpleasant towards him. Hopefully once they've moved she will improve. They move on the 6th June.

Work sucks. I had a shit day today with my boss singling me out to the point that other staff members commented on it. If it wasn't for the money and the need thereof I would have quit. I am calmer now but would still like to leave the whole nursing profession. It can be a very unsupportive industry.

I would love to take 3 months off and focus on getting my health and fitness back. I would love to not have assignment deadlines. I would love to live with my husband ... 7 days a week. I would love to wake up in the morning and look forward to going to work. I would love to leave work happy and fulfilled and feeling supported.

I DO love having all three boys living under one roof. As I write, Three has gone to the airport to farewell some kids he went to school with who have taken the year off to work and travel overseas. He has had so many 'last time' events over the past weeks. The last time they play (they're in a band) at such and such a pub. The last saturday. The last third friday of the second last month before they leave. One and Two are nattering in the kitchen. Two is making himself some sloppy pasta (and has made a mess in the microwave!!!) and the two of them are bantering back and forth. This is what life is about. This is what I should be focussed on. I need to work out a way to save a considerable amount of money so I can work (even) less and spend more time making a home.

I was wrong when I thought that as kids get older they need you less. And I was wrong thinking that as kids got older I would need them less. I am so painfully aware that the times I have left with them at home is soooo small and I want to be here. I want them to remember these days with fondness, not with Mum a snappy, tearful wreck.

I became a nurse because it's something I grew up being told I would be. When I was of an age to start my training (I had been accepted into a 'good' hospital back in the day when you trained in a hospital) I realised that I didn't want to be a nurse. It was expected that I would be a nurse. So I left home and got a job as a pharmacy assistant, then did various other clerical based jobs and ended up as an office manager/bookkeeper which I loved (this was when bookkeeping meant handwriting in journals and balancing every month using an adding machine!). But I always lived with the feeling that I had not fulfilled something. So I started studying to be a nurse when I was 40. 11 years ago. I'm glad I did because I won't have to live the 'what if/I should have' when I'm older. But I wonder if my initial intuition when I was a teenager was actually more accurate and I should have persisted and done my teacher training. It would have been difficult as it was made clear to me that my parents wouldn't be supporting me past secondary school (the boys' education was FAR more important) and I would have had struggled to put myself through uni. Anyway. That's water well and truly under the bridge now. Spilt milk and any other cliche you can think of.

I am where I am.

And now I'm going to cook dinner for One, GGF and me. Fortunately I don't need the microwave!!

And maybe you can understand why I have been reluctant to update with all this negativity spewing forth. But I feel better for unloading and can see that I need to make some serious decisions in the near future.