Aaaah. Sunday.

It truly is my day of rest. It's the one day of the week when I don't do any serious exercise. I will walk later in the day cos that's for pleasure (not that I don't enjoy the harder stuff).

Yesterday I did the 90 minutes on the bike. (I do 50 minutes mon-fri then 90 minutes on sat). Using the parameters set by Fireman Sam on Thursday and trying a new program I really worked hard. In the afternoon I did 15 minutes on the punching bag and then went for a walk. I had planned to go for a good hour and a half but was struggling after 30 minutes! I guess I have finally found out what it feels like to workout so hard that I am truly knackered. Well, maybe a little bit knackered! But it was a good feeling to know that I really did not have the energy to go on and on. I suppose this proves that things have ratched up a notch or two in the energy levels this week.

I still have this cold. It's NOT the flu as some people insist on calling it! It's just a bloody nasty cold. Maybe we should start calling colds viral infections so that those who need something that sounds worse than a cold can feel better!! The good thing is that instead of eating crap and drinking buckets of alcohol and generally giving up any healthy aspect of my life, I have pushed on and still exercised. And I do feel better for it. I have enough sense to not overdo it and would certainly stop if I felt worse. Hopefully this will stop me from becoming as sick as some people who have had this bug.

One and Three were home for dinner last night. We had steak. It was yummy. And I had three glasses of wine over the course of the evening. Better than a bottle and half!!! I could probably have done without but it's the habit thing. Saturday night dinner always has wine. Maybe next week I'll only have a glass which, in retrospect, I would have been fine with last evening.

I bought the last Harry Potter book yesterday. We got to the shopping centre about lunch time and the queues had dispersed. The first bookshop (with whom I have a loyalty card) didn't have any books on display and refused to ask so I went to another one which had stacks of them. Every shop was 'discounting' them. Most hardback books like this will retail for about $50 and they were being sold for $30. Won't affect the profits, though! What a phenomenon. I saw the latest movie on Friday with Three. It was OK. A good movie but the book was so much better. I am reading Wild Swans at the moment (a great book about China during the early days of Mao) and am about halfway through. Do I put that on hold and start HP or do I finish it with the delicious anticipation of a really good book waiting? What a dilemma!!

Today is a glorious Melbourne winter's day. Cold, clear and sunny. Three is at work. Two is coming home this evening and One is going to the movies with a mate. I would love to go for a walk this afternoon with Himself. I wonder if I can talk him into doing the two hour walk by the creek. If not I might just have to go by myself.

When Fireman Sam came around on Thursday he brought a personal training diary for me to keep. I have no problem with filling in the bits about the exercise I do but when he told me to write down everything I eat I freaked out. Big Time. This was too much like weight watchers or any other diet thing. I was amazed at how fucked up my head has become with dieting and how terrified I am of doing anything vaguely resembling dieting because it screeches "failure" at me. I have to focus on the fact that this is a tool for me to work out what works best for me. I don't have much of an appetite lately and I realise that I need to eat to ensure that I don't lose muscle density instead of my fat stores. According to Fireman Sam I need to eat within 10 minutes of a workout and I will then feel hungry later in the day (which is good) and I can snack on nuts to take the edge off hunger between meals. I have tried this over the last couple of days and still find I am eating because I realise I haven't eaten for a few hours rather than cos I'm hungry. Or, and this is probably more likely, I have stuffed around with my metabolism and suppressed my natural triggers for so long, that I know longer no what hunger is until I'm ravenous. Something else to work on. But one thing is for sure. Diets are fucking EVIL!

I am seeing my doctor on Tuesday. One of my goals is to get off my medication and I think that I have come to a stage where I can negotiate the weaning process. I hope that my doctor agrees because I intend to come off my blood pressure medications regardless! I can monitor myself at work (and have been and my BP is really good at the moment) and if it starts to creep up then I will have to go back on them but with the weight loss and the amount of exercise I'm doing I should be getting to a point where I can do without the meds. The cholesterol will remain to be seen. I'll need a blood test for that.

What a self obsessed entry. At least it's positive!!

The Mermaid is still struggling to come to terms with the death of a close friend. He and she were a couple many, many years ago and while she has been married and divorced a couple of times since then they had always remained close and he was a very special person in her life. When her bastard of a husband decided he didn't want to be a husband and father any more and left her with two very young children this chap became more of a father figure to those kids than their real dad. He was always there at Christmas and birthdays and other important milestones and was just 'there' for them always. He was obese and had type 2 diabetes which he didn't manage well at all and this caused some serious heart damage. He went for bypass surgery but died on the table. Very sad for those left behind but a blessing for him as he would not have cope with life as an invalid and that was a very real likelihood. I haven't seen her this upset since bastard husband dumped her (he was having an affair with a colleague who was pregnant (to her own husband) - how tacky is that!)

OK. Time to do something. I've had a bowl of Uncle Toby's temptations (date - yum) for breakfast and a cup of coffee. The oats were OK. A bit sweet for my liking, I prefer to make my own with rolled oats, but a pleasant easy change and One likes them which is good as he's not a breakfast eater and will take them to work so he can have something nourishing and filling. He is looking to buy a car and will have to borrow the money so is becoming quite aware of where he's spending his hard-earned cash so food is now being prepared at home and taken to work ... funded by Mum, of course!!

I'm doing split days this week which is never fun but it will be interesting to see how I can fiddle with my exercise. I have a lot more to do now, and it will be tricky to fit it all in on a work day. I'll have to do some in the morning and the evening.

Have a good week.

Lurgy

This photo was taken in Sydney in April. Two is currently up there with GGF. And he loves it. I think I might have the first son really fly the coop next year. He wants to study up there but we will have to have a serious talk about $$$$$. An expensive course and somewhere to live. Even if that doesn't eventuate he has finally travelled outside Melbourne and had a taste of another large city. He will definitely be doing more of this.

Two and I went to the respiratory specialist yesterday for a second opinion. Which ended up being 'stick with what we're doing'!! At least it means we are sort of on the right track.

Fireman Sam came around today to up the ante with my workouts. More on that later. He was sniffly with a head a cold which had turned really nasty when One went over to see him this evening so we won't be running tomorrow as planned. Which is probably a good thing as I've had a sore throat for a couple of days and am determined to Not Get Sick. No way. One has been under the weather now for a couple of weeks (didn't stop him going out several nights last week to celebrate his 23rd birthday!), Himself was crook over the weekend and Three came home from work early with a sore throat. Everyone at work has had the lurgy in one form or another. There are some nasty bugs out there this winter.

I commented to One over the weekend that I felt I wasn't working out hard enough and he told Fireman Sam! So the new regime involves a lot more on the bike. Running (eventually!!). And some light weight work until I get to the stage where I can start working more heavy weights. The punching bag is great. If I start it I have to do it for 15 minutes (4x3minute bouts with a minute in between). I really enjoy the bag. It gives you a good cardiac workout as well as some upper body. Once I really get the hang of it then I can see how the whole body would get a workout. And it's fun and great stress relief. (Does that answer your question, MizS?). I have a lot more flexibility with my regime which is great but very scary. I have become very dependent on Fireman Sam which is not a good thing but it's got me where I am and now it's time to become a bit more independent. I am loving the feeling of being fit and am so looking forward to losing the weight so that I can do even more. At the moment when I do anything it's like wearing a weight vest - or so Fireman Sam told me.

I have officially intermitted all my study. Then the clinical educator told me that I had blitzed the module I did in first semester and the university coordinator was very impressed with my work. I was really chuffed but not enough to study this semester. I need to spend the energy on getting me to where I want to be. Hopefully by next year I will be able to maintain the fitness with less time involvement and then I'll look at studying again. Or I might look at taking up something else like archery or bush walking or rowing!!

It's getting late so I think I'll take my sore throat and go to bed.

I am still not quite right but I think it's more feeling things more intensely (exercise and no alcohol!) and that's OK.

A better day

No tears. The bike in the morning and some weights. About 3 minutes on the punching bag when I got home and a good hours walk this evening.

Took Two to see the head and neck doctors. No joy. This bloke was useless. We will see the respiratory physician next week and decided what to do after that. In the mean time, even though Two's epiglottis is still swollen he has been told to start weaning off the steroids as he has been on them for a month and any longer is too long. And if he starts to have breathing problems take himself to ED ... where they will put him back on huge doses of steroids. Riiiiight.

One is out with a mate from work. He went out with LGF last night and was very, very down this morning. Said he felt very alone. But he seems to have cheered up a bit during the day when he realised that he does have a lot of people around who care about him. He just can't bonk them!!

Here's hoping the black cloud is lifting for everyone in this family!!

A most unpleasant roller coaster ride

Well, I think I've worked out the cause of my odd feelings I've been having of late. I'm pretty sure it's my old enemy Depression. Returned BIG TIME.

It's partly the time of year. I love winter but it does seem to have an adverse effect on my moods. Seasonal Affective Disorder? Maybe. The other thing (major thing) is that I have radically changed my diet. In the past I would numb myself with alcohol and attempt to fill the hole in my soul with carb laden comfort foods. Now, six weeks into the new way of life, I am loving the exercise and the buzz I get but it's a bit like a sugar high. It goes away and leaves me feeling pretty crap.

I had a very teary evening yesterday and chatted to One about it. I am experiencing horrible horrible horrible feelings of anxiety which he can really relate to and which, in the past, I would drown with much wine. Today I barely held things together until my cow of a boss decided to single me out for a discussion on mobile phones and personal phone calls at work. Unwarranted and unnecessary and not directed at anyone else in the room at the time. I lost it. I had a chat to the Mermaid on the way home and felt better for it. And apart from the occasional wave of anxiety I haven't been too bad this evening although writing this is a bit of a teary exercise. Two has been home and Three will be home shortly. One is out with LGF! Again! It's his birthday tomorrow and that's the reason for this night out.

When I came home I spent a couple of minutes working the bag with my new pink boxing gloves and then went for my walk. I actually ran (jogged?) part of the way at the beginning and the end of the walk. Nowhere near as far as I have run with Fireman Sam but at least I could prove to myself that I can do this on my own. If I end up having to train by myself I think I can do it. The results won't be as spectacular as they have been and there are certain things I think I would have to give a way (probably the boxing as it's too early for me to confidently do that on my own for too long ... bad form habits and all that), but I can do it. And that gives me some sense of security. I have this wierd feeling of being abandoned. When I was lying in bed last night waiting to fall asleep the feelings came flooding in and they took me right back to when I was 10 years old and in boarding school in the UK. I haven't associated those feelings with that time before but I think that a lot of these feelings stem from that time. That is a huge breakthrough cos now I can work on understanding myself more. My kids are growing up and leaving home (well, they will one day!) but that doesn't mean I will never see them again. Himself is in Sydney and I can't talk to him about this as he will want to come home and I find that rather claustrophobic. Can't win, can I!?

It's this training stuff that has triggered a lot of these feelings and I think at the base is the fact that I am loving it so much I don't want to go back to where I was six weeks ago. Combine that with my winter blues, the hassles with the kids and their various problems, work (well, my boss), Himself and his issues with commuting, feeling forced into studying this semester and I'm a sitting duck for feeling crap.

I think I will withdraw from the course as the thought of it really makes me anxious. One suggested going back onto anti-depressants but I really want to see if I can do this without chemicals. I'll give it a week.

OK. Hot chocolate and into bed so I'm ready for my 5am stint on the exercisebike and some weights.

Sorry this is so disjointed. It's come out of my fingers as the words tumbled around in my head.

But I do feel better than I did this time last night and that has to be a good thing.

Well, doesn't time fly

Remember how I was never going to study again? Well, shoot me. I have signed up for another module in the graduate certificate course. The semester officially starts on the 27th July but I'm stressing already and trying to get a head start on the reading and first assignment. Sheesh. I did do exceptionally well in my previous module ... 56/60 (93%) on my assignment on testicular cancer so the stress and anguish were almost worth it. Almost.

The exercise is going brilliantly. Fireman Sam seems very impressed and has managed to get me (ME!!!) running around a local park. And we do lots of work with boxing stuff and weights and I am feeling soooo much better. I weighed myself after the first four weeks and had lost 5 kilos. Yay! But the weight loss has become incidental to the whole fitness thing. Don't get me wrong, I am loving the weight loss and still have a looooooong way to go but it's stopped being the reason for all this movement.

A downside (isn't there always?) is that I have started to feel quite anxious. I think it has a lot to do with turning 50 but I have had really strong feelings of regret for not doing this sooner and wanting my whole life to change and reflect how I feel. Himself is very negative about life and his general situation and I find that very frustrating but I also realise that only he can do something about it when he's good and ready. It took me long enough to get in the right frame of mind to make these changes.

Maybe I need to have an affair. Or is that a bit drastic?!!

One and LGF are still not together although he is still spending quite a bit of time with her. He's over there tonight. But I am assured that they will not get back together. I just wish he would find a girl to make him realise how unsuitable for him LGF really was/is.

Two is still struggling with his throat issues. We have appointments this week and a second opinion booked for next week. He is finding it very difficult being on the steroids as they make him gain weight, sleep badly and generally make him feel agitated. I never know from one minute to the next what his mood will be and have to brace myself sometimes as he pours his frustrations out onto me. Which I don't mind but it does get wearing at times.

Three is happy at work. He and One have been out to the clubs a few times and seem to enjoy themselves. He is also girlfriendless at the moment but doesn't seem to lack for female companionship.

My parents seem to have settled into the retirement village. I must go and visit them but resent giving up a day off. Mother wants to do the whole going to the village dining room for lunch thing and I'd rather pop in for a quick cuppa.

Work is a bit of a hassle at the moment. We are still short staffed which puts us all under the pump and at this time of year we are all so aware of the possibility of getting colds and working with even less staff. The manager is still being a bit 'odd'. She really has no idea of how we all feel or the pressures we're under.

So. In summary... I'm loving the exercise and feel really well because of it. I am having issues with my life and feeling frustrated with the way things are at the moment and really feel quite trapped. The family are well and are all doing their own things.

Home alone tonight so will make a mug of hot chocolate, stretch my calves and have an early night after some mindless television.

And I'll try to update sooner. (I did try before and started several posts but my brain was in too much of a turmoil to make much sense and I wasn't ready to face some of the feelings that I'm churning around at the moment.)

Burn, baby, burn

Oh my giddy aunt. Fireman Sam came around this afternoon for some training. I thought my calves were going to split or explode.

But first, I'd better tell you about Fireman Sam and how he has come to be my life saver.

Fireman Sam's girlfriend used to be best mates with LGF. That is how One came to meet him and he has become a really good friend and mentor to One. He is heavily into fitness, as befits an ex-US marine and a firefighter, and has started to help One get fit so he can apply to join the fire brigade. I think Fireman Sam misses his family back in the States and has occasionally popped around here for a chat and a coffee.

The week before Two's 21st I was going through the old photos to put together an album which I took to the restaurant. I came across so many of me in my younger days and I realised that I was attractive when I was younger (always thought I was fat and ugly) and that I have really, really let myself go. Then I had a wake-up moment one morning as I was standing at the kitchen bench doling out my medications and realised that every. single. one. was being taken to rectify conditions brought on by poor lifestyle choices. After we'd been out for Two's birthday dinner some people came back here and I had a bit of a melt down over how bad I felt about things. Fireman Sam and One promised to help me get my act together. I thought they were just being nice but the following Thursday Fireman Sam rocked up to start our training sessions.

Since then I have ridden my exercise bike (I knew it would come in handy!) EVERY DAY for 50 minutes. Plus I've walked every evening for between 20 and 60 minutes. And then I've my workout sessions with Fireman Sam which can be some sparring in the park, cardio on the bike, some weights ...... He has given me some dietary guidelines which I am following pretty closely. His big thing is This Is Not a Diet. Eat when hungry but eat good food. So on the whole I have done well. The wine intake has gone from 1+ bottles a day to a couple of glasses on Friday and Saturday nights. I feel brilliant.

Back to today... I started as usual on the bike and really pushed myself hard. Fireman Sam came around after lunch and we did some stretches and stuff and then did a fairly rapid walk around the block and then started a gentle jog. My calves started to burn. But the burn didn't wear off and I ended up with full on pain and cramping in my legs. Sheer agony. Fireman Sam helped me stretch them out and massaged them to relieve the pain and then we walked the cramps out. But oh my lord, the pain. We then did other stuff which also caused pain (he has this amazing way of pushing me beyond what I think I can do with this huge smile on his face) but that was good pain as in it was muscles moving and doing things. I did feel very weak and wussy today but he said that's a sign that things are happening and I need to be even more careful of the quality of food I put in my body. No crap. He also assured me that he is working me hard and everyone seems to be very proud of me.

I must say, I am pretty proud of me, too. I just want to see some results. I feel bloody fantastic but I would like some external changes as well. Time, gentle self, Time!!!

So that is a brief explanation of my new fitness stuff. I'll fill you in on all the other stuff going on in my life another day.

Still here

• The assignment is finished
• I have decided to defer next semester
• I have started working out with a personal trainer ... a mate of One's who is a firefighter and an ex-US Marine.
• Work is good
• Two saw the head and neck people today and is back on steroids ... his throat is back up again and he only stopped the steroids 10 days ago.
• Himself has to see the doctor on Saturday cos his blood glucose is high. Think pre-diabetes.
• One and LGF are still friends but not a couple.
• Two and GGF are still together
• My parents have moved into their unit.
• They are still married ... lord knows how
• Working out with Fireman Sam means getting up at 5.15 on my workday mornings*
• I'm tired
• I'm off to bed

* I was in the park at 5.30 in zero centigrade temps doing something with boxing gloves!

I am working Mon-Thurs next week but I promise I will try and get a proper update done one evening before my bed calls me too loudly!