My head is not a good place to be

I am currently on 4 weeks annual leave.

I should be happy and relaxed but I am very stressed.  Why?  Because I can't make a decision to save myself at the moment.  Whenever I think of something I immediately think of something else.  I find it very difficult to get out of bed because I can't decide what to do when I get up.  The ludicrous nature of the situation can be described with the thought processes that went on this morning.

I should get up.  I should go for a run.  Should I shower before or after the run?  What will I wear?  Will I do some housework?  What should I do?  Should I wash my hair today or tomorrow?  If I go for a run then I should wait and have a shower afterwards so I can wash my hair cos if I run with wet hair it will dry funny.  If I don't go for a run I will be fat forever.  And noone will like me and I will have no friends and no life.  If I don't do the housework my house will be permanently dirty and I will never be able to get it clean again.  If I sit and read a book I am lazy.

This crazy thinking went on for a good hour or so.  Eventually I got up, had a shower and washed my hair.  I didn't go for a run.  I did tidy the place, cleaned the oven, dusted and vacuumed and cleaned the kitchen and bathroom benches.  I didn't have breakfast because I couldn't decide what to eat.  Too many choices.  I did have lunch ... there was only one option for lunch.

I decided that I was going to use the time off to get fit again (read "lose weight") and that has placed me fairly and squarely in the crazy place in my head.  Himself is very understanding and tells me to just do one thing at a time and not be too hard on myself.  I spoke with my colleague from work who also has some mental health/self esteem/weight issues and she understands exactly where I am.  

This is one reason why I haven't been writing here for so long.  But having read what I have just written and seeing how silly it looks in black and white makes me realise that jotting things down to look back on later is a very helpful tool.

So.

Apart from Me the Crazy, life is good.

We are pretty well settled into the new place.  I still need to unpack the boxes of books but need some bookcases.  We see more of the boys and their girlfriends than we did in the old place.  We are ALL playing golf!  Including One.  One, Two, Two's girlfriend, Himself and I are all having golf lessons on Sunday mornings.  Three has to work.  He has started at TAFE so needs to work at least one day on the weekend.  Two is doing well with his filming stuff and One is also doing very well in his career.  I am enjoying work and have gone very part time.

The recent bushfires have touched everyone.  It will be one of those disasters where everyone will know of someone who was directly affected, such is the extent of the devastation.  The cynic in me is sitting back and watching the politicians get as much mileage out of it as possible.  Pollies from both sides.  The generosity of the average bloke in the street has been phenomenal.

And now that I have dusted off the cobwebs of this blog I shall go and sit on the balcony with a cup of tea and a book and contemplate the river.