One of these isn't like the others, one of these isn't quite the same ....

We had a lovely time out to dinner on Friday for Two's 21st. Himself and I gave him an iMac laptop for his editing. His brothers gave him an iPod. The cats gave him an office chair for his desk so he can be comfortable whilst editing and listening to his iPod!! GGF gave him a lovely watch. His mates from uni gave him an external hard drive. Relatives gave him a whole lot of money. A very happy Two.

It was lovely to see the three of them bounce off each other. One and Three are excellent mimics (Three especially) and they had everyone in hysterics at the restaurant. A couple of mates came back and we played pool for a while and then everyone left/went to bed except One and me. One wanted to talk. So he did. Until 2.30am!! But it was a moment I'll always cherish as these things happen less as they get older.

I got a bit more of my essay done over the weekend but really need to knuckle down on my days off. I have decided not to do this next semester. I mentioned it to my boss today. She didn't seem upset. Probably because it means she can hit on me to pick up extra shifts! I have to tell the education person. She won't be impressed but everything is just too much for me at the moment. Himself is not well. I think it's mainly stress related but his symptoms are real enough and cause him a lot of grief.

One and LGF are still not together although he's over there at the moment and will be taking her out tomorrow night for her birthday which is on Thursday. She's going out on Thursday. I guess that's a good thing!

I haven't had anymore meltdowns at work but it's still not my favourite place to be.

I need a holiday and that's not going to happen for a while as we don't have enough staff to cover our shifts as it is without extra staff to cover sick or holiday leave.

I plan to finish this assignment and then my project for the next few months will be ME!! Cos a happy mum means a happy family!

Off to watch some telly and then bed.

Happy 21st, Two.

Not the best shot of him and he has since cut his hair reeeeeeeeeeaalllllly short. But a very typical Two expression on his face. Usually preceding or followed by a smart comment aimed at his mum!

And I love him to bits.

Has it been that long?

I know I haven't been here for a while but I didn't realise it has been quite this long.

I have just not been in the right frame of mind to post. I didn't want this place to become an outpouring of miserable introspection.

Not that anything has really changed!!

I am finding the whole marriage by distance thing really hard to cope with for a variety of reasons.

One and LGF broke up a couple of weeks ago. They are still in touch daily and I wouldn't be surprised if they get back together but he is the one that broke off and he will be the one that decides to get back together but it will hopefully be on his terms. He was a bit stressed at first but seems OK now.

Two has been struggling with the steroids. He has started weaning off them and that creates a new set of problems. Then on Monday he had more orthodontic work done and his face is swollen and he is eating slops. He turns 21 tomorrow and we are going out to his favourite Chinese restaurant on Friday. I hope he can eat by then.

Three has withdrawn from TAFE. He has approached his employer for permanent work and something is in the offing.

My mother is mad. She has starting playing the manipulative games with my brothers and me but this time we know to check with each other. My poor father is getting more frail by the day and she is quite unpleasant towards him. Hopefully once they've moved she will improve. They move on the 6th June.

Work sucks. I had a shit day today with my boss singling me out to the point that other staff members commented on it. If it wasn't for the money and the need thereof I would have quit. I am calmer now but would still like to leave the whole nursing profession. It can be a very unsupportive industry.

I would love to take 3 months off and focus on getting my health and fitness back. I would love to not have assignment deadlines. I would love to live with my husband ... 7 days a week. I would love to wake up in the morning and look forward to going to work. I would love to leave work happy and fulfilled and feeling supported.

I DO love having all three boys living under one roof. As I write, Three has gone to the airport to farewell some kids he went to school with who have taken the year off to work and travel overseas. He has had so many 'last time' events over the past weeks. The last time they play (they're in a band) at such and such a pub. The last saturday. The last third friday of the second last month before they leave. One and Two are nattering in the kitchen. Two is making himself some sloppy pasta (and has made a mess in the microwave!!!) and the two of them are bantering back and forth. This is what life is about. This is what I should be focussed on. I need to work out a way to save a considerable amount of money so I can work (even) less and spend more time making a home.

I was wrong when I thought that as kids get older they need you less. And I was wrong thinking that as kids got older I would need them less. I am so painfully aware that the times I have left with them at home is soooo small and I want to be here. I want them to remember these days with fondness, not with Mum a snappy, tearful wreck.

I became a nurse because it's something I grew up being told I would be. When I was of an age to start my training (I had been accepted into a 'good' hospital back in the day when you trained in a hospital) I realised that I didn't want to be a nurse. It was expected that I would be a nurse. So I left home and got a job as a pharmacy assistant, then did various other clerical based jobs and ended up as an office manager/bookkeeper which I loved (this was when bookkeeping meant handwriting in journals and balancing every month using an adding machine!). But I always lived with the feeling that I had not fulfilled something. So I started studying to be a nurse when I was 40. 11 years ago. I'm glad I did because I won't have to live the 'what if/I should have' when I'm older. But I wonder if my initial intuition when I was a teenager was actually more accurate and I should have persisted and done my teacher training. It would have been difficult as it was made clear to me that my parents wouldn't be supporting me past secondary school (the boys' education was FAR more important) and I would have had struggled to put myself through uni. Anyway. That's water well and truly under the bridge now. Spilt milk and any other cliche you can think of.

I am where I am.

And now I'm going to cook dinner for One, GGF and me. Fortunately I don't need the microwave!!

And maybe you can understand why I have been reluctant to update with all this negativity spewing forth. But I feel better for unloading and can see that I need to make some serious decisions in the near future.

a couple more

Two less common views of the Sydney harbour bridge.

I'll do a proper entry soon. Promise.

two photos

The top photo is sunset from Himself's balcony and the bottom one is sunset from Other Brother's front door.

Remember dial up internet connection?

We have a deal whereby we get a certain amount of on peak downloads per month and another amount if it's used off peak. If we blow the on peak limit (which is very generous I must say) we are restricted to dial up speed. I have a sneaking suspicion that the weekend that Himself and I were in Sydney and One and LGF (and a Swedish backpacker that LGF seemed to treat much the same as Paris Hilton treats her chihuahua - but that's another story) were here, SOMEONE spent a loooooot of time on the internet downloading stuff that just may have pushed us over the limit. And if anyone has tried to update a journal blog thing using dial up speed when they are used to broadband then my absence here will be understood.

So.

I drove up to Canberra on the Thursday. It was a long drive but I enjoyed it. I did, however, seem to strain my throat by singing at the top of my voice to Thirsty Merc with the windows down barrelling along at 110 kph on the Hume Highway! And the reason I was listening to Thirsty Merc? I forgot to bring my own CDs along. So I had Abba Gold and Thirsty Merc (the former Himself's and the latter, Two's). I listened to Abba for a couple of hours after I lost radio reception from Melbourne. Then I listened to some country religious music before deciding to give TM a go. Love them. As it was one of Two's CDs so I was pretty confident I would like some of it (he loves the Beatles and other 60s music) but I didn't expect to strain my voice!!

As I said in my last post, I had a great time catching up with Other Brother and Mrs Other.

On Friday I drove into Sydney (still bellowing along to TM) and freaked out as I got closer, the traffic got heavier and the signage got more misleading. Himself spent nearly an hour on the phone and 'talked me into Sydney'!! Just as well cos I would have ended up Lordy knows where.

On Saturday we got up relatively early to go for an exploring drive around Sydney and her surrounds. The car wouldn't start. Himself did the typical male "it's got to be the alternator, it's Saturday and we're fucked" dance. We rang the NRMA (NSW auto rescue people) who sent a battery person out. In the mean time we rang the RACV (Victorian rescue people) to put the Subaru on our membership (the old Benz was on but we'd never need help for the Subaru ... another male idea) so we could claim reciprocal rights. As it turned out it was just a flat battery. Apparantly the long drive the days before had finished it off. And if it HAD been the alternator and we had needed to get the car to a Subaru dealer that wouldn't be open til monday? Hello hire car! But I guess that's the female thinking!!

So we drove around Sydney and the surrounds on Sat and Sun. Photos were taken which will be placed here in due course and with no particular theme.

On Saturday it rained on and off. By Sunday it was raining more frequently. By Monday the rain had set in for a long visit. I spent Monday and Tuesday reading (3 books in two days) and drinking tea on the balcony watching the rain come down. (See above photo for one of the views as the weather came through). Sounds boring but for someone who hasn't seen decent rain in I don't know how long, it was just sheer bliss. The sound, the sight and the smell. Aaaaah ... rain.

We drove back to Melbourne on Wednesday.

It was a long boring drive and Himself did all the driving which meant I was REALLY bored. He, on the other hand, had a wonderful time! we both love driving but hate being a passenger.

We came home to the news that Two was in hospital.

I will tell you all about his problems in my next post. Suffice to say he is out of hospital but still on bucket loads of steroids. His bedroom has never been so clean and his appetite is phenomenal. He would like to be able to sleep, however. But more on this later.

Actually, I will beg your understanding and toddle off to bed at this point. Since I started this entry I have cooked dinner, served it up, interacted with young people and watched a smidge of telly. I had a shocking sleep last night and the night before thanks to the wind and the cats. The night before last I was woken to a screaming cat fight outside the ensuite window and last night the wind was high (which made sounds like cats wanting OUT ... NOW, which led to frequent abuse hurled at nothing!) and Tom brought something small and squeaking in through the same ensuite window. I thought I was dreaming until I woke (again) about 3 and went to the loo and, lo and behold, there was a vital organ from a small rodent on the carpet just outside the bathroom. I am hoping that the rest of the small rodent has been ingested and not hidden under my bed (I did check that it wasn't IN or ON my bed!

I'm back

But just a quick entry.

Dot points of the past week which will be addressed over the next few days ...

• the drive to Canberra was great
• it was fantastic spending time with my sister-in-law and, later in the evening, my brother
• the drive from Canberra to Sydney was great ... until I hit Sydney
• we had some dramas with the car on Saturday
• on Sunday it started to rain
• on Monday it continued to rain
• on Tuesday it rained even more
• we left the rain behind in Sydney
• and got home to an announcement from One that Two had taken himself to hospital the day before (he actually went on Monday but they kept him waiting for 5 hours even though he told them he had difficulty breathing) and had spent the night in ICU but was now on a normal ward and he had sworn everone to secrecy
• I spent today with him and had a ride in a patient transport ambulance (return trip) so we could see a doctor at another campus who seemed to have some common sense and interest.

I am going to bed and will tell you all about my adventure (and the excitement of seeing so much rain, even if it wasn't in the right city) soon. I promise.