Burn, baby, burn

Oh my giddy aunt. Fireman Sam came around this afternoon for some training. I thought my calves were going to split or explode.

But first, I'd better tell you about Fireman Sam and how he has come to be my life saver.

Fireman Sam's girlfriend used to be best mates with LGF. That is how One came to meet him and he has become a really good friend and mentor to One. He is heavily into fitness, as befits an ex-US marine and a firefighter, and has started to help One get fit so he can apply to join the fire brigade. I think Fireman Sam misses his family back in the States and has occasionally popped around here for a chat and a coffee.

The week before Two's 21st I was going through the old photos to put together an album which I took to the restaurant. I came across so many of me in my younger days and I realised that I was attractive when I was younger (always thought I was fat and ugly) and that I have really, really let myself go. Then I had a wake-up moment one morning as I was standing at the kitchen bench doling out my medications and realised that every. single. one. was being taken to rectify conditions brought on by poor lifestyle choices. After we'd been out for Two's birthday dinner some people came back here and I had a bit of a melt down over how bad I felt about things. Fireman Sam and One promised to help me get my act together. I thought they were just being nice but the following Thursday Fireman Sam rocked up to start our training sessions.

Since then I have ridden my exercise bike (I knew it would come in handy!) EVERY DAY for 50 minutes. Plus I've walked every evening for between 20 and 60 minutes. And then I've my workout sessions with Fireman Sam which can be some sparring in the park, cardio on the bike, some weights ...... He has given me some dietary guidelines which I am following pretty closely. His big thing is This Is Not a Diet. Eat when hungry but eat good food. So on the whole I have done well. The wine intake has gone from 1+ bottles a day to a couple of glasses on Friday and Saturday nights. I feel brilliant.

Back to today... I started as usual on the bike and really pushed myself hard. Fireman Sam came around after lunch and we did some stretches and stuff and then did a fairly rapid walk around the block and then started a gentle jog. My calves started to burn. But the burn didn't wear off and I ended up with full on pain and cramping in my legs. Sheer agony. Fireman Sam helped me stretch them out and massaged them to relieve the pain and then we walked the cramps out. But oh my lord, the pain. We then did other stuff which also caused pain (he has this amazing way of pushing me beyond what I think I can do with this huge smile on his face) but that was good pain as in it was muscles moving and doing things. I did feel very weak and wussy today but he said that's a sign that things are happening and I need to be even more careful of the quality of food I put in my body. No crap. He also assured me that he is working me hard and everyone seems to be very proud of me.

I must say, I am pretty proud of me, too. I just want to see some results. I feel bloody fantastic but I would like some external changes as well. Time, gentle self, Time!!!

So that is a brief explanation of my new fitness stuff. I'll fill you in on all the other stuff going on in my life another day.

Still here

• The assignment is finished
• I have decided to defer next semester
• I have started working out with a personal trainer ... a mate of One's who is a firefighter and an ex-US Marine.
• Work is good
• Two saw the head and neck people today and is back on steroids ... his throat is back up again and he only stopped the steroids 10 days ago.
• Himself has to see the doctor on Saturday cos his blood glucose is high. Think pre-diabetes.
• One and LGF are still friends but not a couple.
• Two and GGF are still together
• My parents have moved into their unit.
• They are still married ... lord knows how
• Working out with Fireman Sam means getting up at 5.15 on my workday mornings*
• I'm tired
• I'm off to bed

* I was in the park at 5.30 in zero centigrade temps doing something with boxing gloves!

I am working Mon-Thurs next week but I promise I will try and get a proper update done one evening before my bed calls me too loudly!

One of these isn't like the others, one of these isn't quite the same ....

We had a lovely time out to dinner on Friday for Two's 21st. Himself and I gave him an iMac laptop for his editing. His brothers gave him an iPod. The cats gave him an office chair for his desk so he can be comfortable whilst editing and listening to his iPod!! GGF gave him a lovely watch. His mates from uni gave him an external hard drive. Relatives gave him a whole lot of money. A very happy Two.

It was lovely to see the three of them bounce off each other. One and Three are excellent mimics (Three especially) and they had everyone in hysterics at the restaurant. A couple of mates came back and we played pool for a while and then everyone left/went to bed except One and me. One wanted to talk. So he did. Until 2.30am!! But it was a moment I'll always cherish as these things happen less as they get older.

I got a bit more of my essay done over the weekend but really need to knuckle down on my days off. I have decided not to do this next semester. I mentioned it to my boss today. She didn't seem upset. Probably because it means she can hit on me to pick up extra shifts! I have to tell the education person. She won't be impressed but everything is just too much for me at the moment. Himself is not well. I think it's mainly stress related but his symptoms are real enough and cause him a lot of grief.

One and LGF are still not together although he's over there at the moment and will be taking her out tomorrow night for her birthday which is on Thursday. She's going out on Thursday. I guess that's a good thing!

I haven't had anymore meltdowns at work but it's still not my favourite place to be.

I need a holiday and that's not going to happen for a while as we don't have enough staff to cover our shifts as it is without extra staff to cover sick or holiday leave.

I plan to finish this assignment and then my project for the next few months will be ME!! Cos a happy mum means a happy family!

Off to watch some telly and then bed.

Happy 21st, Two.

Not the best shot of him and he has since cut his hair reeeeeeeeeeaalllllly short. But a very typical Two expression on his face. Usually preceding or followed by a smart comment aimed at his mum!

And I love him to bits.

Has it been that long?

I know I haven't been here for a while but I didn't realise it has been quite this long.

I have just not been in the right frame of mind to post. I didn't want this place to become an outpouring of miserable introspection.

Not that anything has really changed!!

I am finding the whole marriage by distance thing really hard to cope with for a variety of reasons.

One and LGF broke up a couple of weeks ago. They are still in touch daily and I wouldn't be surprised if they get back together but he is the one that broke off and he will be the one that decides to get back together but it will hopefully be on his terms. He was a bit stressed at first but seems OK now.

Two has been struggling with the steroids. He has started weaning off them and that creates a new set of problems. Then on Monday he had more orthodontic work done and his face is swollen and he is eating slops. He turns 21 tomorrow and we are going out to his favourite Chinese restaurant on Friday. I hope he can eat by then.

Three has withdrawn from TAFE. He has approached his employer for permanent work and something is in the offing.

My mother is mad. She has starting playing the manipulative games with my brothers and me but this time we know to check with each other. My poor father is getting more frail by the day and she is quite unpleasant towards him. Hopefully once they've moved she will improve. They move on the 6th June.

Work sucks. I had a shit day today with my boss singling me out to the point that other staff members commented on it. If it wasn't for the money and the need thereof I would have quit. I am calmer now but would still like to leave the whole nursing profession. It can be a very unsupportive industry.

I would love to take 3 months off and focus on getting my health and fitness back. I would love to not have assignment deadlines. I would love to live with my husband ... 7 days a week. I would love to wake up in the morning and look forward to going to work. I would love to leave work happy and fulfilled and feeling supported.

I DO love having all three boys living under one roof. As I write, Three has gone to the airport to farewell some kids he went to school with who have taken the year off to work and travel overseas. He has had so many 'last time' events over the past weeks. The last time they play (they're in a band) at such and such a pub. The last saturday. The last third friday of the second last month before they leave. One and Two are nattering in the kitchen. Two is making himself some sloppy pasta (and has made a mess in the microwave!!!) and the two of them are bantering back and forth. This is what life is about. This is what I should be focussed on. I need to work out a way to save a considerable amount of money so I can work (even) less and spend more time making a home.

I was wrong when I thought that as kids get older they need you less. And I was wrong thinking that as kids got older I would need them less. I am so painfully aware that the times I have left with them at home is soooo small and I want to be here. I want them to remember these days with fondness, not with Mum a snappy, tearful wreck.

I became a nurse because it's something I grew up being told I would be. When I was of an age to start my training (I had been accepted into a 'good' hospital back in the day when you trained in a hospital) I realised that I didn't want to be a nurse. It was expected that I would be a nurse. So I left home and got a job as a pharmacy assistant, then did various other clerical based jobs and ended up as an office manager/bookkeeper which I loved (this was when bookkeeping meant handwriting in journals and balancing every month using an adding machine!). But I always lived with the feeling that I had not fulfilled something. So I started studying to be a nurse when I was 40. 11 years ago. I'm glad I did because I won't have to live the 'what if/I should have' when I'm older. But I wonder if my initial intuition when I was a teenager was actually more accurate and I should have persisted and done my teacher training. It would have been difficult as it was made clear to me that my parents wouldn't be supporting me past secondary school (the boys' education was FAR more important) and I would have had struggled to put myself through uni. Anyway. That's water well and truly under the bridge now. Spilt milk and any other cliche you can think of.

I am where I am.

And now I'm going to cook dinner for One, GGF and me. Fortunately I don't need the microwave!!

And maybe you can understand why I have been reluctant to update with all this negativity spewing forth. But I feel better for unloading and can see that I need to make some serious decisions in the near future.

a couple more

Two less common views of the Sydney harbour bridge.

I'll do a proper entry soon. Promise.

two photos

The top photo is sunset from Himself's balcony and the bottom one is sunset from Other Brother's front door.