dammit

I thought I had started a post and saved a draft but it mustn't have saved.

Oh well, it wasn't earth shattering.

I am knackered. Buggered. Totally stuffed. I am struggling to get out of bed in the morning and am eating and drinking for instant energy which always results in nasty dips later which adds to the tiredness leading to more instant energy food and even harder getting up in the morning. This morning Himself left for Sydney and normally I would have got up with him at 5.00 and worked out. I stayed in bed and dragged myself out of deep sleep at 6.30. Needless to say no exercise was undertaken and I feel lousy.

And fat.

Fireman Sam is off playing soldiers again so I am well and truly on my own on this one. And I realised this morning that now is a perfect opportunity to work out how to fix these doldrums so that I am never in need of another person to help drag me out again.

So. First thing - why so tired?

1. silly season
2. full time job into which I am putting 110% often working late
3. eating habits have slipped back and there are too many processed carbs
4. wine consumption has crept up a bit
5. not exercising like I used to
6. heat
7. not much 'me' time with full time job and Himself being in Melbourne most of the time
8. stress over likely move
9. stress over likely not having this job in September
10. sundry other things that are part of life (kids, pets, family, world peace)

Now. Second thing - what to do?

1. eat better
2. drink less - much less. But not become obsessive about it cos that makes it worse (same for #1)
3. Do the best I can at work but not try to do it all yesterday
4. Find time for me
5. do SOME exercise every day (see #4) and enjoy it - not look on it as a chore
6. early nights
7. adopt a more fatalistic attitude - what will be, will be.
8. trust sundry other things will sort themselves out - they usually do.

Today - good eating and a good long relaxing walk when I get home. And an early night.

On that note I must fly and see what the wash up was with the probable case of measles that came through our ED last evening as I was about to leave which meant I didn't get home til after 7. I hope I did everything right and covered all the bases.

I feel better, now. Thank you.

There are times when you really need a camera handy ....

And this morning was one of them.

Himself and Three had left to go across town on a dry run to see how long it will take Three to get to work if he gets the new job he's being interviewed for on Wednesday (more on that later). I was sitting here and Emma (remember her? She and One were an item for 5 minutes last year ... they work together) wandered through. OK. I know that they still go out from time to time and a few times she has crashed here after they've been out. She has a cracked rib and I gave her some panadol. Then Himself rang to say that LGF (remember HER? She and One were an item forever until he broke up with her last year and they have stayed friends) had texted Three asking him to "wake up his drunken brother". Three told her he couldn't because he wasn't home and she replied that that was OK as she'd wake him herself when she got here. I went through and woke One and was telling him this and as I got to the bit about LGF waking him when she got here I turned around ... and there she was!!

One had a very bemused look on his face!!!! When I told him the two girls were out the back having a cigarette he looked as if the sky was about to fall in. I think he's in deep shit. The rest of the family and Fireman Sam and Gina (I texted him - of course, I did!!) think it's hysterical. And now LGF is driving Emma home (with One in the car as well!) and then she and One are spending the day together. Apparently One was meant to be at LGF's place at 8.00 this morning only he didn't get HOME til 8.00 this morning!! And he thought LGF had cancelled the arrangement but she said she hadn't. Whatever. I'd love to be a fly on THAT wall!

Himself and I went down to have another look and the estate on the golf course and have chosen a house. Suze and Neil kindly offered to give us a cheque for $5,000 (which I would reimburse as soon as I got home) so we could put a holding deposit down but the person manning the sales office didn't have the paperwork or something and can't do anything until the proper agent gets back from holidays on the 14th. She assured us that the place won't be sold until we get the opportunity to get the paperwork done. This gives us some breathing space to have a good think about it and organise finance and the like.

I love the estate and the houses are very attractive. It would be a complete lifestyle change which is not necessarily a bad thing. It's 25 minutes away from where we are at the moment and one of my fears is that One and Two won't come and visit because they will think it's too far away. Silly thinking, I know. Also, it's a move that once made cannot be unmade as we would not be able to afford to move back into this area. We are counting on the fact that this is a better area from a property price perspective to enable us to move with a lower mortgage (or even none but that's unlikely). When I was pregnant with Two we moved to an outer suburb and it was a disaster. I guess that experience is influencing how I feel about this potential move.

I am worried that I have some ambivalent feelings about this but I suppose it's good that I'm not all "lalalalala this is fantastic and perfect and wonderful and everything will be rosy" which would be a recipe for disappointment.

We are going to go back down again today and have another look around.

So I'd better go and get dressed.

The rest of my day

I went out to the other hospital and learned how to sample air.

It's not rocket science but involves a bit more than breathing.

Whilst out there with my boss's boss (who therefore must be my bossier boss ... or something) I learned that they (my two bosses) are more than happy with me. And that my tenure will finish in September cos the person I am covering WILL be back. And when I got back to work she rang (and THAT was a weird moment ... I haven't heard from her in weeks) and in the course of the conversation she reiterated what I had already had confirmed earlier today. Which I knew was a distinct probability seeing as we were looking at secondments and all but I had hoped she wouldn't come back.

So ... Good? I am appreciated and valued where I am and I love the job I'm doing.

Bad? Will have to go back where I came from.

Not so bad? It could be a lot worse! I don't hate where I came from and it's still early days.

Later

Himself and I went out for dinner. Just to the local pub. It was nice to just ... be. We didn't walk as the temperature was still pushing high 30s (degrees C)! Now to fiddle around on the net before bed.

Much later

We talked about the potential ramifications of my job and I need to remember that I didn't hate what I was doing THAT much!!! Even though a tear or two of frustration just might have been shed.

Tomorrow we are going to have a closer look at the estate I've mentioned over the past week or so. The sales office is finally open.

More tomorrow.

Ouch!

Up to the park this morning. I managed three laps without stopping which is good. Frustrating that I am pushing to do three but Fireman Sam did tell me ages ago that we lose our cardiac fitness very quickly and I didn't really do much in December so I guess it will take me time to get back up to 5 laps. Plus I'm doing this on my own and one never pushes oneself as hard as someone else does.

Like a lot of overweight women (and maybe men for all I know) I have experienced the agony of chafing. A couple of years ago when Himself and I went to Far North Queensland for a holiday we would walk for hours along the beach and one day my thighs were so badly chafed they were bleeding (TMI, sorry!). Yesterday on the x trainer my inner upper arm started to sting a bit from being rubbed on my T shirt. I need a tshirt with different sleeves, I think. This morning I started to sting under the left boob. I wasn't sure if it was my bra or the heart moniter strap. When I got home and was making breakfast I noticed that there was what looked like a muddy smudge across the front of my tshirt. This was strange as I had only done stretches and ab work lying on my back and when I investigated I found that I had been bleeding under the left boob from where the bra had chafed when I was running. Not much but combined with the sweat it left a decent sized smear. Does this mean my bra is too tight or too loose? At least it's now the weekend and I won't be running again until probably Tuesday as I have decided to alternate Xtrainer and running weeks ... MWF Xtrainer one week and then MWF running the next. Unless we get really, really hot nights again and then I'll probably skip the park and stay indoors.

What a waffly entry!

I am off to a different hospital this morning to learn how to take air sampling. Then back to my usual hospital and then THE WEEKEND! Himself and I are planning to go and have a chat to someone at the sales office of the estate I was telling you about last weekend. And then maybe some golf although it's supposed to be hot. A walk or a bike ride and maybe some reading.

MizS has reminded me that I need to get my eyes checked. I am about due for a normal checkup but I am supposed to be having 6 monthly pressure checks as my mother has glaucoma and the pressure in one of my eyes has been a bit on the high side. And I sort of didn't get the last 6 month check done so I really should make that appointment. And the dentist. And the mammogram now that I am over 50. And I really must see a podiatrist as my feet are not in good shape and I am depending on them a lot right now. A massage would be nice, too!!

I'm HUNGRY!

I did 50 minutes this morning on the X trainer and a half hour walk this evening.

I've had dinner and a small bowl of ice cream and I think I might finally be full. But I have been hungry since lunch time! I think I need to have a bit more with me than a small box of sultanas which I usually eat in the car on the way home.

Eating is important if you want to lose weight and maintain any level of fitness. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I remember some women being told to ease up on their weight training so they could lose the necessary weight to get to goal (the old muscle weighs more than fat nonsense) and if they exercised less they wouldn't be as hungry so they wouldn't want to eat and so they would lose weight. Something just doesn't seem right with that logic. I was hungry today because I have ramped up the exercise and my body was screaming at me to feed it. If I don't feed it properly then I will be lethargic and lacking in energy.

And now I'm going to bed so I can get up and have a trot around the park tomorrow. And tomorrow is Friday. Ahhhh. Bliss.

Happy Days!

After my rather bleak post yesterday I got up this morning and did three laps of the park. I did two, stretched a bit and then did a third. I wasn't trying to break records, just ease back into it. My back seemed a bit dodgy as I felt as if I was running on an angle. I thought about doing a fourth lap but the track was getting busy and I don't like running with too many people. Where were those bastards when I was out in the freezing cold in the middle of winter? Wussy sods!

I did a lot of walking at work. I reckon I must have walked all over the hospital at least three times! And when I got home I walked for another 90 minutes. Came home and had a chicken salad followed by fresh mango and some yummy icecream and am now about to toddle off to bed.

And the bestest bit? In the past I would have given all this away because of Christmas and gaining a couple of kilos over the weeks and then not feeling able to start back at my previous running level. Today I relished in the feeling of moving again and am loving the stiffness in my muscles.

I did receive the ubiquitous Weight Watchers post Christmas invitation and felt the familiar tingle of anticipation at the thought of new menus and all the pretty writing and pretty pictures and promises of things if only I'd sign up and give them another go. And then I realised that what I'm doing works. I don't feel as if I'm on a diet. I don't count calories or points or anything like that and I LOVE the way I feel.

As I said ... happy days!

Back to work

Tomorrow I'm back to work. I will get up at 5.30 and go for a run.

I am having shocking anxiety attacks but that's normal for this time of year and too much wine imbibed over the past couple of weeks.

Fireman Sam came over and started to show me how to use the Polar running computer. It's not as difficult as it looks but just the thought of using it triggers further anxiety. He is going away again for a fortnight leaving on Saturday. I don't know why I feel so dependent on him but I am terrified that I will lose everything I have achieved over the past 7 months. Not that the last month has been anything to write home about.

I think I will head off to bed and see if I can get a good night's sleep. The plans I had for a relaxing break didn't eventuate but I'm not surprised. This isn't a relaxing time of year and I miss my routine.

Not a very uplifting New Year's Day post but it's how I'm feeling at the moment and it would be dishonest for me to pretend otherwise when I use this as a way of checking back to see where I've been in the past and how far I've come.

Happy New Year, anyway!!!