Well, I think I've worked out the cause of my odd feelings I've been having of late. I'm pretty sure it's my old enemy Depression. Returned BIG TIME.
It's partly the time of year. I love winter but it does seem to have an adverse effect on my moods. Seasonal Affective Disorder? Maybe. The other thing (major thing) is that I have radically changed my diet. In the past I would numb myself with alcohol and attempt to fill the hole in my soul with carb laden comfort foods. Now, six weeks into the new way of life, I am loving the exercise and the buzz I get but it's a bit like a sugar high. It goes away and leaves me feeling pretty crap.
I had a very teary evening yesterday and chatted to One about it. I am experiencing horrible horrible horrible feelings of anxiety which he can really relate to and which, in the past, I would drown with much wine. Today I barely held things together until my cow of a boss decided to single me out for a discussion on mobile phones and personal phone calls at work. Unwarranted and unnecessary and not directed at anyone else in the room at the time. I lost it. I had a chat to the Mermaid on the way home and felt better for it. And apart from the occasional wave of anxiety I haven't been too bad this evening although writing this is a bit of a teary exercise. Two has been home and Three will be home shortly. One is out with LGF! Again! It's his birthday tomorrow and that's the reason for this night out.
When I came home I spent a couple of minutes working the bag with my new pink boxing gloves and then went for my walk. I actually ran (jogged?) part of the way at the beginning and the end of the walk. Nowhere near as far as I have run with Fireman Sam but at least I could prove to myself that I can do this on my own. If I end up having to train by myself I think I can do it. The results won't be as spectacular as they have been and there are certain things I think I would have to give a way (probably the boxing as it's too early for me to confidently do that on my own for too long ... bad form habits and all that), but I can do it. And that gives me some sense of security. I have this wierd feeling of being abandoned. When I was lying in bed last night waiting to fall asleep the feelings came flooding in and they took me right back to when I was 10 years old and in boarding school in the UK. I haven't associated those feelings with that time before but I think that a lot of these feelings stem from that time. That is a huge breakthrough cos now I can work on understanding myself more. My kids are growing up and leaving home (well, they will one day!) but that doesn't mean I will never see them again. Himself is in Sydney and I can't talk to him about this as he will want to come home and I find that rather claustrophobic. Can't win, can I!?
It's this training stuff that has triggered a lot of these feelings and I think at the base is the fact that I am loving it so much I don't want to go back to where I was six weeks ago. Combine that with my winter blues, the hassles with the kids and their various problems, work (well, my boss), Himself and his issues with commuting, feeling forced into studying this semester and I'm a sitting duck for feeling crap.
I think I will withdraw from the course as the thought of it really makes me anxious. One suggested going back onto anti-depressants but I really want to see if I can do this without chemicals. I'll give it a week.
OK. Hot chocolate and into bed so I'm ready for my 5am stint on the exercisebike and some weights.
Sorry this is so disjointed. It's come out of my fingers as the words tumbled around in my head.
But I do feel better than I did this time last night and that has to be a good thing.
Cazza, darling, I'm going to venture out onto a limb here and ask why it is so important to you to deal with your anxiety/depression without medication? I understand the feeling of wanting to deal with it straight on, but holy hell, you've made such incredibly healthy changes lately in your life and you know as well as I do that a resurgence of depression could bring it all crashing down around you. Why try to muddle your way through it, weeping and lying awake at night? I know you said you would only wait a week, but you know that a week could easily turn into another month of misery through sheer inertia.
ReplyDeleteOh, I've got TONS more advice for you, darling, but that's enough for now. Keep moving your body, don't turn to the wine, and shoot me an email.
Big hugs puss...
ReplyDeleteSo what are you going to do over the next week if you don't use medication? Do you have a bit of a plan...eg relaxation techniques?? baths?? cos if you aren't using alcohol, you are going to have to do something...it's unlikely the symptoms will just vanish on their own is it?
Good luck, and good on you for your exercise dedication...regardless of the help you are getting from the fireman, it's still you that is hauling yourself around!!