I need another holiday - a proper one

I was looking back through my old photos from our trip to FNQ last year and I want to go back. Now, please. I think I could even put up with the humidity. If I was lying on a beach somewhere.

I am so tired. I have done nothing today which is probably why. I put petrol in my car and did a quick supermarket visit, did a couple of loads of washing and made the kids' dinner. But other than that I have sat and fiddled around on my laptop. Bad.

Two is home and Three won't be home til late cos he's working. Himself is in Sydney but has been given the go ahead to look for an apartment so that will give him something to look forward to.

The IQ box was delivered for cable. More buttons but the kids seem impressed with it so it must be good. I wish the quality was as good as the quantity!

Two has a referral to see a counsellor. This is good. He asked his GP for a script for Zyban to help quit smoking but he (the GP) didn't think now was a good time to take a drug like that. We see the ear, nose and throat specialist tomorrow as Two's voice is changing again and he is becoming short of breath. At least his swallowing isn't affected yet so we may be able to avoid another visit to ICU!

I'm working Tues, Wed, Thursday this week. Which is good because the specialist's rooms are directly across the road from the hospital so Two will catch a train from work in the city and meet me and we can see Dr Nose and then I can drive him home. And I have Friday to look forward to although it will be spent cleaning as I didn't do any today.

OK. I'm going to put my runners on and go for a walk, even if it's just a quick turn around the block. I'll aim for 15 minutes.

Addit: Well I went for 20! And I did feel good although my feet and muscles had something less than flattering to say. I listened to some good music on my iPod and plan to do a bit more tomorrow (feet permitting). I thought I had updated my iPod playlist but it seems to have not jumped from the computer to the iPod. Still, it was good music (hey, it's my iPod, of course it will have good music on it). It is a warm pleasant evening and obviously quite a few people had decided to have bbqs for dinner. I love walking in the evening and smelling all the cooking smells (especially in the cooler weather) but today everyone seemed to be cooking greasy sausages!!

I'm off to cook my pork steaks with broccolini, spinach and potato. The boys are having canneloni. If I'd thought about it I could have had our bbq heating whilst I went walking but will fire up the george foreman grill instead.

A glass of red would be nice ......

I can't think of an appropriate title.

Those of you who are waiting for photos of new clothes will have to wait a while longer! (I'm looking at YOU, MizS!)

I need to go through the wardrobe and do a bit of a cull. Having said that I did buy a new top yesterday which I think fits in with what I've been taught. Today I tried to find some new pants/jeans but didn't have much luck. I also tried to find some shoes but that wasn't happening either. Whilst this whole image consultant thing will make it easier to not make mistakes it also makes it harder to buy stuff. In the past I would have said "yup, fits, buy it". Now I'm looking at colour and style and image as well as fit and comfort! I would certainly benefit from wearing a shoe with a bit of a heel but I stopped taking my glucosamine a few months ago and my left foot is giving me serious grief again. The good thing is that I realise that when I can't find something I like it's not about me failing. It's about the system (fashion, store buyers, etc.) failing me! And that is a very liberating feeling. For the first time ever I am actually looking forward to shopping for clothes and am not worried about not finding things that work the first time I venture out.

I am so glad I had the hysterectomy. The past week or so I have been feeling very PMSy. And I realised that I haven't felt like this for a long time. Which suggests that the old hormones are winding down and things are slowing down. Which would have set me up for some unpleasant surprises which are no longer possible after the op. If you get my drift. And it made me remember how much I hated that particular part of womanhood. At least when I felt especially, unaccountably cranky I knew that there was a reason and I wasn't going completely mad. Just a little bit.

We are graced with all boys home for dinner this evening. It will be like the old days with just the 5 of us. Much as I love the girlfriends it is always nice to have the boys home on their own. Just to watch them interact and be brothers which is always a bit inhibited with the females around.

Ooh. Forgot to tell you. One of the many things that Imogen taught me was about having the correct placement for buttons and bows and things. I have a crocheted top (ugh... how '70s that sounds!) which tied under the boobs. It never really worked and I just assumed it's because I'm FAT FAT FAT. I put it on today and realised that whilst the colour isn't quite right the main problem was that the tie was in the wrong place. It accentuated my biggest area. A deep 'V' is good but only so far. I cut the ties off and resewed them higher up and "BINGO" it works so much better. I apologise for not taking before and after photos! Next time.

And on that note I will love you and leave you. I'm going to veg out on the couch in front of the telly with some sons.

Happy Australia Day

I was born in Somalia (of English parents). I spent my first few years in Sierra Leone. I grew up in Hong Kong. I considered England "home" even though I had never lived there for any length of time. I came to Australia when I was 15 and have never set foot outside this country since. I am married to a naturalised Australian of Polish decent. I have only paid taxes in Australia. My children are Australian. I think it's about time I became an Australian citizen! In my defence ... I refused to become an Australian citizen when it was mandatory to swear allegiance to the Queen because as a British subject I was already under the royal thumb. That requirement is long gone and my only excuse now is laziness (and the fear of tests ... I have to prove I am worthy).

2007 will be the year that SparklingMerlot becomes an Australian citizen.

I love this country. MY country. I am proud to be Australian, because in my heart I am. I just need the ceremony and the piece of paper to prove it.

If you don't live in Australia then make a point to visit us and you will realise why we are the lucky country!!

Bye bye baggy, hello style!

In the past I have dressed because it is illegal to walk down the street naked. And it would scare the children. I have dressed for comfort. Not that I always succeeded. I was going to say that I wore what fitted, but that has rarely been the case as if pants fit around the hips and thighs they are way to tight around my middle (I can't say waist as I don't have and never have had a waist). I didn't consider what message I have been sending with my clothes. I wore shapeless, oversized, cheap, poorly made garments.

All that is about to change.

Today I had my style consultation and what an eye-opener.

It was very, very confronting but liberating as well.

Imogen asked me to write a few words to descibe what I felt my clothes say about me. "Middle-aged, frumpy, unworthy and uninteresting". And what I would like them to say about me? "Confident, attractive, elegant and youthful". Youthful doesn't mean mutton dressed as lamb. If anything I've always been lamb dressed as mutton!

We then went through a whole series of exercises that discovered my personal style (classic, relaxed and feminine with some creativity), face shape, body shape and proportions. She showed me how to direct attention away from the unwanted bits and how to highlight those areas I want people to notice. She gave me tips on how to wear jewellery, what patterns to look for, the weight of fabric to wear, the lengths of skirts and pants. It was awesome.

I now have to put aside a day to go through the very depleted wardrobe and deplete it further! Then I'm going to book two or three hours of shopping with Imogen to replenish the wardrobe. I plan to go out by myself first and try on some clothes to see if I have grasped what she has taught me.

There is a little down side to all of this and that is Himself. He was the one who suggested I do this and has shown great interest in it all. Today he was telling me about a 'new' exercise concept (basically interval training) which sheds weight more effectively than just walking. I know that I am overweight and have let myself become dowdy and boring and I know that he has my happiness and best interests at heart but sometimes I feel that I'm not good enough for him at the moment. I know this isn't true and is just a manifestation of my poor self image but it is my perception at times.

Anyway. I am at the beginning of a new lease of life. I turned 50 last year and it's time I started to accept that I am entitled to be happy and to look my best and that's not vanity or selfishness.

Another interesting thing that came out of today was my desire for some creativity in my life. When I was younger I used to sew. I've dabbled in applique and fabric painting. I've cross-stitched. I did a design and pattern making course! I've baked. I've tried my hand at painting. When I was still in my teens I wrote poetry (didn't we all?!). Part of today's assessment was to ask what my goals were (remembering that a lot of women that use Imogen are professionals looking to advance their careers) and the only thing I could come up with was a career change. As we continued to chat and go through the consultation it dawned on me that I am quite dissatisfied with my life. I don't necessarily think that it's all work related but more that there is something central lacking in my life. I am no longer a hands on mother and I no longer have an outlet for my creative side. I have no real hobbies (reading is for relaxation and 'downtime' and the internet is a bloody waste of time!). I don't exercise at the moment. Himself and I don't have friends - we don't entertain other than immediate family and the Mermaid who is so close she may as well be family. I'm not complaining, mind. I am just realising that I need more in my life and it's not just my job. Indeed, if I can find other outlets my job may become more pleasant as it won't take such a central position in my life.

So it wasn't just a clothes makeover! It's turning into a Me makeover! And I will be more than happy to engage Imogen over the years as I age and change to ensure that I will continue to look my best.

But first I have to tackle that wardrobe.

Random jottings

I can't remember which photos I posted on my old journal and I can't be bothered going back and having a look so if I repeat myself, I apologise.

Thomas comes onto my bed in the mornings and snuggles in. He is always very purry and affectionate. Today he has followed me all around the house and settled in whenever I stop for more than a minute or two. I went out for lunch and when I got home he was still curled up at the foot of the bed where I left him but as soon as I came and sat down here he was on the couch nearby. I am very fond of this cat!

We went to the bbq yesterday. The food was better but still drowned in oil. At least the meat was tender although lacking in flavour. We chatted about a few things and their imminent wedding. She showed me her dress which is lovely. Two offered to film the day for them and they have accepted so they will get a lovely DVD to remember the occasion and Two will have something to add to his portfolio.

Himself has gone to Sydney. Last year he would leave late on Tuesday evening and return on Friday evening. Now, he is going up early (VERY early!) on Monday mornings and returning either Thursday or Friday. This week he will be back on Thursday because Friday is Australia Day (a national public holiday - yay!) but next week he will probably be up for the whole week. Several people have suggested that he move to Sydney. Whilst he realises that this is not an option at the moment as we couldn't leave Two and Three to fend for themselves in Melbourne and I wouldn't expect them to move to Sydney, I think that he is really torn. The thing is that even if the boys weren't an issue I don't want to move. I have friends and family in Melbourne and I have a job that, while I whinge about it a lot, I do enjoy and feel comfortable doing. And I have my cats and my garden and just my general comfort zone. If the kids were little it would be different as it's easier to meet people and make friends through kindergartens, schools and sporting clubs. But at my age it would be very difficult for me to make new friends and I would miss the ones I have in Melbourne. Not to mention my family. The current situation isn't ideal for Himself, though, living 4-5 days a week in a hotel room in a part of Sydney that shuts down once business hours are over. And I think that his colleagues have forgotten that he is actually commuting from Melbourne and has noone to talk to after hours. He has to eat in pubs or the hotel restaurant, doesn't have internet access and gets bored and lonely. Not conducive to a healthy frame of mind. He is considering renting a studio apartment which would probably cost the company less than the hotel. Then he could cook for himself, invite someone over for a beer if he wanted, even get the internet connected. At least he would be returning to the same place each week and could make it a bit more personal. And I could go up and stay now and again. At his age he can't afford to be choosy about work and he really enjoys what he does so it looks as if Sydney will be his place of work for the foreseeable future. We just need to make his living arrangements as comfortable as possible.

I caught up with the Mermaid and Jenny from golf for lunch. They knew each other when their eldest sons were at primary school but fell out of touch and since I met Jenny we have had a couple of lunches together. Today's was a bit strained. I'm not sure why but I think they have changed a lot since they knew each other and may no longer have the same sort of things in common. Their lives have changed a lot since then, too. The meal I had was bloody awful. I ordered penne with bacon and chicken in a napoli sauce with capiscum and some cheese. I ate the pasta and the capsicum but the chicken and bacon were not very nice at all. I know I should have complained and returned it but they had already stuffed up my order by bringing me a risotto to start with (that would probably have been better!) and it is a pub, when all is said and done. The Mermaid had the potato rosti with smoked salmon and I should have gone for that and just worked it into my WW day. As it is, I felt unsatisfied after lunch and decidedly disgruntled. I haven't pigged out and am in the process of cooking a healthy dinner but I have opened a bottle of a very nice cab sav and am savouring that. And this isn't the behaviour that will get my weight off. But I am in a very unsettled place at the moment and the wine is helping. I know, it's not the answer!!

Two went to the doctor today to discuss his emotional and psychological problems. I think he was hoping for some pills to provide a quick fix but the GP has him coming back next week to conduct a mental health assessment which will enable him (Two, not the GP!) to receive 5 sessions with a psychologist under medicare. This is good. The GP also reassured Two that he was on the right track by dealing with his dope smoking and bourbon drinking and that he would really benefit from some counselling. And I must admit that Two does seem a bit brighter these days. And is able to vocalise his concerns that he will self harm again.

Three is at work. His TAFE course starts in a couple of weeks and I really hope that he enjoys it.

Dinner's ready (it's just Two and me at the moment) and Law'n'Order's on cable so I'm going to settle in for a good evening.

Tomorrow is another day. Another opportunity to get this weight loss thing worked out. And a day when I get my style consultation.

I'll tell you all about it ...

IT'S RAINING!!

We have had good rain for the past couple of days. Not nearly enough to consider the drought broken but a welcome relief for our parched gardens. You can almost hear the plants sighing with pleasure and wriggling their toes in the damp earth. I hope that the rain is falling in the catchment areas and on the bush fires.

The new work environment is proving to be challenging but we will cope. Thursday was really busy and wasn't helped by my allocated patients turning up to have procedures done for which they had been booked but not entered on our running sheet and therefore not enough time allocated. I left work an hour later than I should have but that was OK. We got through the day. Friday was less busy but had it's own stresses. I consider it the height of rudeness to interrupt someone when they are having a conversation and take over that conversation. It happened to me twice yesterday and the same person was the culprit on both occasions.

Last night Himself and I went to the pub for dinner. With all the dramas of the past few weeks and with Himself spending more time in Sydney, I'm aware that we need to spend time together and sitting down in a restaurant ensures conversation. I had a delicious salad and we shared a bottle of wine. I had another couple of glasses while we fed the ravenous pokies and then I had some more when we got home and vegged out infront of the telly. And then I made a platter of cheese and biscuits.

I came across a lovely quote on a blog that I found by following links from another blog (I think it's (re)modelling Clay, or something very similar and I think I found it from beebeejaybee who comments here *waving hello* .... I like to attribute words where I can so if I'm wrong let me know). Anyway, this blogger wrote in relation to his weight loss and food something along the lines of it being not about saying 'no' but about saying 'when'. This really struck a chord with me as I have always been the type who denies herself and then flips out. So, yes, last night I ate a few things that aren't on the Core plan of WW and I didn't count the points. And guess what. The sky didn't fall in and because of this refreshing approach (well, for me it is!) I was able to eat well today without feeling that I had blown everything. Tonight we are having a family roast. All the boys are home. And I'll have a few wines but I have cut up some watermelon and that will be dessert rather than chocolate or apple pie or stickydate pudding. And the chippies can stay in their packet. They aren't calling me at all.

Two has found work! It's back in fast food which he didn't want to do but hell, it's a start and he's grateful.

It's my mother's 79th birthday today so we bought her a book and popped in this afternoon. She thought I'd forgotten. They both have Big birthdays next year. Mum turns 80 and Dad turns 90. I hope they make it. And I noticed that my mother has finally stopped dyeing her hair and pretending it's natural!! Give it another couple of months and haircuts and I'll be interested to see what shade of grey/white she is. Or is it possible to still have vibrant colour in one's hair in one's late 70's. Please tell me if I have been uncharitable.

Tomorrow Himself and I are going to friends for a bbq. The female part of this couple is a step relative of Himself's and I have known her for a long time. I was matron of honour at her first wedding. The last time we had a bbqs over there her first husband was in charge of the meal and they were awful! Greasy, cheap cuts of meat. (Why do people think that it's OK to cook cheap cuts of meat on a bbq. It should be the opposite. When good cuts are bbq'd they are bloody marvellous but the ubiquitous lamb chump chops, pulverised blade steak and hamburgers made with hamburger mince are just godawful.) It will be interesting to see if her new partner is any better at bbqing but I doubt the quality of meat will have improved. This is someone who cooks magnificent meals in her kitchen, by the way.

Himself is back to Sydney on Monday morning and will be home on Thursday afternoon. Friday is a holiday (Australia Day).

I went to the hairdresser today. I was due for a trim and needed to take the gold out of my highlights. Although the depth of colour hasn't changed, the warmth has. It's now cooler and I can't get over the difference. Even Jane (my hairdresser) was impressed. Next time I go back she's going to put some ash tips in and then we'll take it from there.

Yummy smells are drifting through the house, the boys are all home (albeit in different rooms, but hey! they're under one roof!) and it's still raining. All is good in my world.

Just a quick one

My feet are killing me! We moved the unit and it was bloody hard work! Minor hiccups ... our two beds and four of our chairs wouldn't fit through the door because of the temporary wall that has been built while the first bit of the renovations was started. The chairs were dismantled and the beds will come over tomorrow. In the meantime we've borrowed from another department. When we left the computers and phones were still unconnected but hopefully will be up and running tomorrow. The bench on which we will be storing most of our daily stuff and fiddling around with medications and writing notes and generally cannot live without was still being made this morning. It was delivered this afternoon and they were going to install it about knee height! It's going to be very cramped and we won't be able to have relatives sitting with the patients unless they are needed to interpret or the like. And that will cause some problems with some people. Oh well, it's only for a couple of months.

Last night was intolerably hot. I went to bed and tossed and turned for two hours until I gave in and took a sleeping pill. It's much more pleasant this evening. Still fairly warm but nowhere as bad as last night. But still no rain.

I am pleased to say that I have done really well with WWOL these past three days and not a drop of wine. Himself comes home from Sydney tomorrow night and that will be a challenge as he likes a drink or 6 in the evenings. The good thing is that I wake up feeling better in the mornings and I don't miss it at night so we'll see how I go. It's just easier to have a drink if the person you live with is having one.

Tomorrow we are getting digital Optus. It has meant a bit of organising to make sure someone will be home but I think I've got it covered. There is nothing on free to air at the moment and the channels we have on cable aren't much better. At least with the new package I'll be able to watch some comedy or a decent doco.

I think I might go and see what state the boys' bathroom is in and if it's not too bad I might just have a bath! (We don't have a bath in the ensuite!)