More cat p*rn

Sorry, but she looks like she could be posing for Playboy or Penthouse. Not that I've ever actually seen one of those magazines. I understand the articles are pretty interesting, though.

My shoulder was quite tender yesterday and is still a bit achy today. But I enjoyed work. Until I rang my mother yesterday afternoon and copped a load of flack over this retirement move. Every suggestion I made, comment I offered or observation I made was met with snorts of derision or condescending sighs. The verbal equivalent of the cat's bum face she makes when we are in the same room.

I realised today that my mother is very competitive when it comes to other women, especially those to whom she is related. She has a love/hate relationship with her own sister, makes belittling comments about any women she spends time with (except those who tell her how wonderful she is) and, even though she asks for my opinions/advice, bristles whenever I say anything that is contrary to her beliefs, etc. My brothers, on the other hand, are perfect and can do no wrong. They know everything. And Other Brother is never ever wrong. If he happens to express an opinion about something he has no experience of (child rearing for example) mother quotes him as an expert. What would I know. I've only raised 3 boys!! It's not OB's fault. He is just participating in a conversation but mother quotes him as the fount of all knowledge.

Yes, I have huge issues with my mother. Realising today, however, that it's ALL women made it so much easier for me. And I looked back to my teenage years and the horrible time I had of it (I left home as soon as I could to get away from her) thinking that it was only me and therefore I had to be the cause, and felt a huge sense of relief. Yes, there is still a lot of work I need to do and that is one reason why I have this journal. It helps me far more to blurt everything out and come back and reread later, than it does blurting to a counsellor/psychologist/psychiatrist.

In 2004 my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary and for the whole year before my mother was obsessed with the plans. She booked a room at a local heritage listed mansion that does weddings and so forth and where they often had lunch. She ended up seeing herself as the lady of the manor (an english reference!) and her behaviour was Most Odd. It also caused some bizarre conversations between her and me. She accused me of saying nasty things about her to my aunt when I was in my teens that my aunt repeated to my grandmother. Grandmother is supposed to have made these comments into an audio tape that was delivered to my mother by my grandfather when he came to visit after GM's death. Mother listened to the tape when noone else was around and then burnt it and has lived with these feelings that I prefer my aunt for years. But I wasn't to mention this to my aunt (I was prepared to ring her and find out if this was true but mother freaked out!). Grandparents are both dead. This whole thing came out of the blue one day when I was summonsed to give advice over seating arrangements for The 50th. In the past I would have dissolved into tears and sworn undying love. This stems from my teenage years when Dad would wake me very late on Friday nights to say that mum was going to leave because I didn't need her. And I had to get down and grovel and plead and pledge undying love to convince her to stay for the sake of my father (who adores her but is putty in her hands) and my two younger brothers. I now see the manipulation but when you are 17 and in a brand new country and have grown up being told that your mother is the centre of your universe and should always be, it was a difficult call for me to make.

Wow. Something's opened up that can of worms! I think it's because she is playing the games she played between Dr Teacher and I over The 50th. She has always played the three of us off against each other which has been easy when we all lived in different states, but we are now in contact and Dr. Teacher and I make sure we communicate with each other as soon as is practicable after a conversation or visit with mother to make sure we each know exactly what's been said.

After the conversation about my aunt and the tape I made sure that I was never in mother's company alone again. Dad doesn't count as he is deaf and will remove himself from the room if things get awkward. {Interestingly, if the whole tape thing was true and she was as upset as she claimed to be (I'll explain in a moment) I would have expected Dad to be in the same room when she confronted me. He left looking a bit embarrassed. Apparently she had started having nightmares about it just weeks before mentioning it to me, which happened to coincide with a renewed relationship I had developed with my aunt a couple of years prior (after not speaking to her for nearly 30 years after being told by mother that aunt totally disapproved of my relationship with Himself) and my aunt's imminent return from an overseas trip which she took after surgery for breast cancer.}

After The 50th we were all concerned that mother would fall in a hole as it had been all consuming for nearly 12 months. She volunteered at the local op shop and seemed really happy until all this retirement village thing started a month or so ago. She was almost normal and I finally ventured into her company alone again. Not any more.

I realise that I am very screwed up with all of this. And sound quite paranoid (ie it's her word against mine that she is being nasty cos she never says it in front of anyone!) but I'd rather have other people around as she is then on her best behaviour and I don't have to deal with the crap. Fortunately, Dr Teacher has witnessed some of her behaviour towards me and understands where I'm coming from.

Enough. There will be plenty more over coming months. Tomorrow Himself and I are taking them to see a village in Forest Hills that I know she will dislike as we had a drive through today. She has her heart set on a village from a particular company which is fine as there are several in areas that would suit.

Enough, I said. No more.

Himself has the bbq on. We are having steaks, baked tatos and salad. Just Him, Me and Three.

The door bell just rang. Three answered it and there was noone there. But there were some kids (about 10yo) pissbolting up the street. And others following. He whistled. They stopped. He challenged. They denied but dobbed in their mates from the same house! He told them that if our door bell rang again and there was noone there he knew where they lived and would come and talk to their parents. Chastised kids went indoors. This is a new family that have just moved into a place they have spent several months renovating. Good way to endear themselves to their neighbours! Probably just as well it was us and Three answered the door. And Three, of course, who was no angel as a kid, is quite chuffed with himself. 'Mum, I didn't yell or swear, I just asked them not to do it again but if it did happen I would come and speak to their parents'! I think he has just had a taste of adulthood and rather savoured it!

Time for steak and telly.

I will be back to regale with more stories of my dysfunctional relationship with my mother.